.wedging the motivation a bit deeper.

sometimes i just feel tired. yeah, tired of everything. everything that i do in my life has now taken a toll in me.

i feel that all those sleepless nights, constant work, hungry days.. i mean all those things are meant to be there for something. maybe to achieve a goal in life. but after doing it for countless days and nights, i am still here with nothing.

my thesis is undergoing a major renovation due to errors which i am mostly to be blamed. my assignment which i thought i got rid off is now back in my hands waiting for a "redo" or else we'd all stick with the lousy marks she gave everyone. she can be such a bitch at times. my tuition classes are taking a toll on me and the money i earn are lie... non-existent. once you see it, it's gone. i mean i use it for rental, bills, oil (which is getting a tad high), food (which is barely enough) and many more necessities.

what's the use of working for sleepless nights and long hours if you don't see any result at the end of it. isn't work tiring? combine that with studying and you get double the combo. double cheese, double sauce, double hard... double work.... double everything. life is just making things double for me.

i guess i even lead double lives with double personalities, one is the happy go lucky smiley don't give a shit mother fucking asshole that i put up in front of people, the other is the sad, depressed, tired, fucked up fella that i keep in myself.

don't they always say hard work pays off?

what about laziness. does it pay off too?

hard work might kill me if i work until late at night but i guess i haven't much of a choice, sometimes i guess i really have to choose between life, success and a meaningful life. one way, i can sleep , eat healthy, practise, exercise and be healthy and live a longer life. the other i can work all day, all night, focus on my studies, no time for play and hopefully be successful. another one could be partying all day, living life to the fullest and get a meaningful life.

don't tell me to balance these three, there's no way at my age, you can achieve all three. that's why we have stages, the first stage will be life, where we focus on being healthy. that's where our primary and secondary lives occur. the second stage is the success stage where we work hard, study hard and get a paper to get more money in life. once we get that, then we can start enjoying life.

what if i can't reach the third stage? then wouldn't what i'd be doing now a waste? i mean, i want to work hard if i can reap the benefits. not, work hard and fall sick and die.

fuck life.

sometimes when i think of all these shit, all i need is some motivation...

till then...

i need a little sleep and a good cup of jelly frapuccino or Tazo Chai at half price
(i got buy one free one coupon.. hehe..)


p/s: my pc died on me. i need a new HDD cause there's a bad sector in my old one. fuck it, i'm waiting for my ptptn.
September 21, 2005


Jessie said…
PTPTN quite terrible huh..
My friends have probs with them!

I guess u r under stress..
Study smart... play hard!


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