being diagnosed is scary

Some words cut you. Some words stay with you. This did both.

I was in the hospital for my monthly routine checkup. It was as usual like the month before, I am actually quite upbeat about it. Then the doctors call me in. They took some time accessing my database and looking at my results. Then they begun telling me that some of my enzymes are high. They ask me whether I have a fever or any infection lately.

I wanted to tell them YES. I did have a cough or a fever or something small. I was so sure it was something small I wanted to lie to make it real. But I muttered a 'NO'. They then said this could be a sign of rejection. It was mild but still noticeable. Then they continued telling me that this happens averagely three times a year to some. After 6 months, this could be my first episode. They said it's common.

For them, they've seen everything. From life threatening to life saving to even miracles. I didn't. I just wanted to stay in my safe bubble. Especially after all that I had gone through I didn't want everything to happen again. It was as if I was screaming for something else. Something different. Something normal.

They told me they'd do some tests and maybe a liver biopsy. I've heard about biopsies. They're crazy painful. At least to some. (I've since then concluded that it was a mild pinch compared to some other shit I've gotten into). 

Funny how fragile I am. When faced with the realities of something mortal I cower. The truth is I need to feel invincible. I need to believe I can take on the world again. I need to know that whatever comes I can face it with the strength of a warrior. The prospect of dying should be far from my ideals now. I'm still 30 (OK, 31). 

If you don't understand how I feel, it's like the doctors saying 'you need to sit down' while they break the news to you. As soon as you hear the words 'maybe you should sit'. You're fucked. It's like them whispering softly to you that they detected a tumour in your body and they need to test that tumour. The prospect of you being dead is beginning to feel real at this time. For the next few weeks, you will question your life and your ideals. You will be mortal and everything else will be normal. People still do their thing, go around their stuffs. You feel like everything should stop, if not for an hour then at least for a minute. 

p/s: I'm much better now thanks to the steroids I'm taking to control the rejection. I think I'm not dying soon but I think back and find it funny how men especially ignore to get checked for critical conditions because they're afraid. Being certain you will be dead is kind of better compared to not knowing whether you'll live.
August 15, 2014


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