and again I might miss my CEBU trip. It's not about the typhoon, well maybe a little but it's the fact that I'm still sitting my arse here waiting for that dreaded phone call.
to many people, death seems like such a foreign concept but to me I was brought up with one sentence my dad told me that lingered in my head till today 'you might not live past 12 years old'. I tell that to my friends and one of them has a very good memory of me mentioning it to him and he continues to bamboozle me 18 years later that I'm now 30 years and still living the shit out of my life.
the truth is, ever since my encepalopathy, life has never been the same. first of all, i've moved to KL to be nearer to the hospital. second, i treat that episode as a death episode. there was no angels, no light, no afterlife, no gates of heaven or hell... just plain black darkness. and when i was in that condition, nothing else matters, your friends, your family, your material possessions, your success... nothing. it was just plain black and there was no feelings involved.
ever since then, i think i'm more mentally prepared for the operation. i've set some of the things in motion, wrote the things i want and i'm sure my family would take care of the things i want taken care of. the only thing that matters to me now is to love. love my job, my life, the people around me and to basically be true to myself. if i can't do it, i shouldn't force myself. if i don't want to do it, i shouldn't do it, if i love it, what's stopping me?
there's only one thing stopping me that is making sure the people around me are full of love and money, lots of money. i want to open my own studio, rent my own place, run my own business... just venture out. and what's stopping me is that feeling you get in that pitch black place in your gut. the fear of failure and disappointing everyone. and also there's the other thing called debt. i never want to put the people i love under stress because of my debt.
thus for now, let's just treat it as a hobby. something i love that people can look back and treasure. and when they see those pictures, all i hope for is that they remember the person who captured that special moment.
p/s: Happy birthday bro!
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