Thursday, December 5, 2013

.cebu trip.

and again I might miss my CEBU trip. It's not about the typhoon, well maybe a little but it's the fact that I'm still sitting my arse here waiting for that dreaded phone call.

to many people, death seems like such a foreign concept but to me I was brought up with one sentence my dad told me that lingered in my head till today 'you might not live past 12 years old'. I tell that to my friends and one of them has a very good memory of me mentioning it to him and he continues to bamboozle me 18 years later that I'm now 30 years and still living the shit out of my life.

the truth is, ever since my encepalopathy, life has never been the same. first of all, i've moved to KL to be nearer to the hospital. second, i treat that episode as a death episode. there was no angels, no light, no afterlife, no gates of heaven or hell... just plain black darkness. and when i was in that condition, nothing else matters, your friends, your family, your material possessions, your success... nothing. it was just plain black and there was no feelings involved.

ever since then, i think i'm more mentally prepared for the operation. i've set some of the things in motion, wrote the things i want and i'm sure my family would take care of the things i want taken care of. the only thing that matters to me now is to love. love my job, my life, the people around me and to basically be true to myself. if i can't do it, i shouldn't force myself. if i don't want to do it, i shouldn't do it, if i love it, what's stopping me?

there's only one thing stopping me that is making sure the people around me are full of love and money, lots of money. i want to open my own studio, rent my own place, run my own business... just venture out. and what's stopping me is that feeling you get in that pitch black place in your gut. the fear of failure and disappointing everyone. and also there's the other thing called debt. i never want to put the people i love under stress because of my debt.

thus for now, let's just treat it as a hobby. something i love that people can look back and treasure. and when they see those pictures, all i hope for is that they remember the person who captured that special moment.


p/s: Happy birthday bro!

Friday, November 15, 2013

.anxiety attack.

Work, OMG, work has been piling up on me for the past few months. I've felt so anxious about it I zonked out and I think my hands refuse to move. It felt as if someone zapped the life out of me. I was frantically searching for the nearest petrol station and pulled in for two cans of Livita, one can of soft drink and a hot dog sized bread. It livened me up a bit. This has happened to me in the past and sometimes quite often, I feel OK one moment and the next I just can't lift up my hands.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

.be yourself whoever you are.

Be yourself. Because  the society that wants you to be like them are made up of people that were once you. They are no smarter than you, no wiser or better. They just made the rules. If you be yourself, you will surround yourself with people like you who will then be surrounded by people like them inevitably creating a system of norm.

Don't fit in, instead, create your own world with your own ideals and bring people in, attract people, entice people. We shouldn't just be followers, we should all be leaders who lead each other, who push each other, who each has a purpose in this life  other than to be part of a system that they don't care about.

just don't be a killer or a hater.


Tuesday, October 8, 2013

.i went out and bought imitation although i fucking hate imitations.

I saw this watch I really really liked but I couldn't get it because:

1. It was really expensive. It's a Tag Heuer Calibre 1887 Space X Limited Edition, limited to 2012 pieces worldwide only. It costs a rough MYR 20K. I ain't forking out that much for a piece of equipment which I can lose while washing my hand in a 20cents Pudu Raya toilet. Plus if someone robbed me, they can take my life before they take that thing.

2. Like I said, it's limited to 2012 pieces. This means it's sold out. I can't get one even if I wanted to in Malaysia. And the possibility of it being scratched is substantially high with me being careless with every little thing I own. Everything has a life span, I don't protect my HP with covers anymore. I don't buy covers for my laptop & I certainly don't put my camera in a drybox. They're all there for me when I need it and I don't care if I need it often or less than often. I leave it out where I can easily reach for them.

3. I need to be anal about it. Being expensive has its perks but being cheap has better perks. Being expensive means we tend to be more anal about it. Try sitting on a BMW 7 series' hood vs sitting on a Proton Saga BLM's hood. Which owner will be anal about it? Which will pardon you and which will let it slide? I don't want to be a slave of my product and I don't want to be a fucktard to people just because I drive big cars and wear fancy clothes and earn fancy shit. Humans let themselves be controlled by media more often than they can imagine. We deny it but we're suckers for things we want.

4. I can't scratch it.

5. I can't wear it everyday.

6. What's the use of it now?

So I went online, did some research and bought the cheapest imitation there is. There are expensive more accurate imitations with fancy shit names but paying MYR270 for my watch was more than I could give. Now take the 6 points above, change the cons to PROS.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Parallel Universe

If there's a parallel universe, maybe there's another me who is not sick, fighting the rat race, travelling the world and being with people who I care greatly. Oh... How I envy him.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Blog Updates

I wonder who still reads my blog? I will update it at LEAST once a year. :) Maybe monthly or twice a month. Who's reading this?

p/s: Should I change my header? It has been with me for EONS. Kinda nostalgic actually. :)

p/s/s: I've noticed some broken images from my previous posts. Sorry about that, some of the blogger servers just don't keep up and other image servers also keep fucking up.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

.the big three oh.

I'm reaching 30 soon. It's not a bad feeling. Some people look at it negatively but I guess I feel kinda lucky to be able to reach 30. I can proudly say I've lived quite a comfortable and fulfilling life. I am not rich, don't get me wrong but I do manage to get by.

In life, I've met many people who assisted me throughout the years but I'm ashamed to say that I didn't help people as much as I ought to. Sometimes I want to but I'm limited by my capabilities and resources. Turning 30 is a great deal to me. I've started rearranging my finances and trying to get more income. It's hard to come by something you love, if you find it, don't let it go. I love photography but I'm trying to improve everyday. I've embarked on some personal projects which I hope to showcase sometime soon. For now, it's still under construction/development.

When you reach 30, there are so many things you appreciate more in life. My friends especially and FAMILY. Family is self explanatory, SOME would give up everything for you, others can only support you. Not because the lack of WANT but the lack of ABILITY. Families started as a unit. Soon, they're part of a bigger subset. Keeping the close ones together will seem harder when your unit expands, people have to prioritize. I haven't made my own mini family yet but I would love to. I would name my first son Adam and first daughter Eve. The END. Two is more than enough to kill my brain cells. The third one will unluckily be called SPARTA. Just so...

Hi, this is Adam, this is Eve and THIS IS SPAAARTAAAA!

I pity the boy who's gonna be the subject of so much ridicule. :)

Well, at least I didn't name him Superman or Batman.

My sister's moving in to stay with me. I don't know how that's going to turn out. I hope she doesn't drive me crazy. I'm a bit of a control freak, I like things my way at a certain angle with a certain preciseness. Little things drive me insane if unattended. Perfectionist? No, more of a RETARD.

BTW, I bought a portable air conditioner. Don't know how much this month's electricity bill will cost. Bet it'll be hundreds. I dread the day!

A shoutout to soon to be birthday boys & girls Nit, Vince, Yin and myself. Bangkok or just while away my 30th entrance?

Friday, May 31, 2013

.almost by a little.

I received a call a couple of days back. It was a day before Wesak day and I was very convinced it would be the day everything ends/begins. My dad passed away on Wesak. It was almost the same, I received a call and took a bus back and managed to see my dad for a last time. It was heartbreaking to see him so thin and almost bruised. Hands and all plagued with tubes.

In a way, I wanted it all to end. All the waiting, all the insecurities, all the anxiety. I just want it all to happen on that day. I was scared and hopeful at the same time. Scared of the pain, of the unsaid words, of the loss that could've happened.At the same time I want a new beginning, a new start, a fresh life. I want to be able to travel again, to meet new people to experience new culture.

Nvm, I'm going to go get my 1/6 Bane and continue my Batman Hot Toys collection.

Friday, April 12, 2013

.life in the slow lane.

It's been a couple of months since my last post. A lot of things have changed. I've been discharged but not before days of ordeal in the ward and high dependency unit. During my blackout, I've learned that I kicked the nurse, peed in my pants, almost slapped my mom and slept the whole time... refusing to move an inch.

I woke up to the doctor I've been visiting for years. He's in Island Hospital. I asked him just one question 'Why am I here?'. Truthfully I couldn't remember. I saw mom after a few minutes. I knew she was with me the whole time and I felt remorse for being the one taken care of instead of the one taking care. I said 'sorry, mom'. She started crying.

I'm now residing in Selayang in an apartment very near to the hospital I'm about to have my transplant. A lot of things have changed like I mentioned. I've been busy moving and making a home. I sit here with minimal resources and a less than adequate home. I would like to think I've been blessed though. I still made it. I'm feeling better now. Although there are more things for me to worry about but I'm starting to take notice about the changes to my body and the effects of medication. I'm what you can say 'more aware' of my surroundings and myself. Mom still worries about me from Penang and calls/texts me everyday.

Life has never been easy for me but I make do with whatever I have. I try not to compare because comparing will only make you miserable. I'm blessed with what I have, a family I truly love, more things than I need and a girl I miss dearly everyday.

I can't travel as much as the yesteryears but I'm starting to take jobs again. Photography has been another blessing. I feel that if I don't have it, I'll lose a part of myself. I need to be good at it again though cause lately, all my images are starting to look like crap. Is this a phase everyone of us in the creative industry has to go through or is it just me?

Elections are coming this May 5th and I'll be heading back to Penang this 18th till 20th April for a most spectacular wedding. I've also slotted in a portrait shoot on the 29th tentatively with the wonderful songstress Janet Lee (who's such an avid atheist).

Right now? Things could be better but I shouldn't complain. Life is still beautiful and working with my current company is such a tremendous blessing.

.random lessons.

When we look down, we know how big we are. When we look up, we realize how small we are. When we look in front, we see the obstacles and l...