.today would've been his birthday.

yes, i feel like posting again. i think it's the time and it's almost night, so i fell more refreshed during the night.

anyway, i've been through life and hell with dad. he used to told me that when he was small, his birthdays were only eating 'mee suah and an egg'. he'd probably get chicken if he was lucky. then the birthdays i remembered with him were eating out at 'ah keat's stall'. we ordered those dishes which we could never seem to get enough of. you know, those fish, taufu and veggy kindamfoody. whatever...

that was when i was a teenager. before that it was always KFC. yeah, our family used to love KFC. everytime we had an occasion, or someone's birthday, we will go out for KFC. there were no McD in the viccinity so I practically looked forward to KFC. KFC was like associated with something big. Until now, i could still remember our faces when we go for KFC.

that was a long time ago. he remembered our birthday. but we remembered his too. however, we never did show anything to indicate to him that we remember. just the occasional happy birthday dad. i wonder if he'd forgive us but we always view him as a strong man. a man of few affection. a man of few words. a man that is strong that i can only look from behind.

he was intimidating at times, yes. the times when he was holding his belt or a log. he could really whallop me into a pulp. i gotta admit, it was a real pain in the arse. we're all afraid of him. maybe that's why we seldom buy presents for him. the last time i remembered it was parker pen. :)

but we buy stuffs for mom and make cards for mom. i can't remember making a card for father's day or even his birthday. i wonder if he minded. who am i kidding. of course he did. who wouldn't feel a pang of hurt to see his kids maknig cards only for their mother. he must've wondered whether we forgot about him?

the truth is we never did. we never did. and we never will.

we were more afraid of affection towards him. he was like a barrier cause he seldom showed his affection towards us. even if he did, it was subtle. i noticed it like when he whacks me as hard as titanic hit the iceberg. however, after that, he would usually come to me with a bottle of "minyak urut". hehe. i would always grumble. "dont beat lar early early". however, i would only grumble in my heart. rarely do i say it out.

nowadays, i look at it back, it was his way of showing his affection. the subtle ways. to show that he still cares, that he was hurt, that he didn't want to but he had to.

we all love our dad. regardless of situation. a dad is given unconditional love the day we were born, it would take a really screwed up act to lose that love. and my dad didn't do anything screwed up. he brought us up with dignity, with love (albeit subtly) and by giving us everything he could.. he was our dad.

yes, he would grumble when i ask money from him but at the end of the day, he would still give it to me. and yes, he would say no whenever i ask him if i can go to that/this camp where i need to be away for a few days. but when he sees how sad i am, he'd give in later. i know he will.

now, i am alone. holding life by a string.

i try to look far ahead of me but i can't seem to find him.

so, i hope he can see what i'm writing here. i hope heaven has broadband and i hope he learns how to use them. i hope he knows i love him and i hope he knows we love him.

i hope he knows we were always there, it's just we seldom make our presence felt. i hope...

he can see this...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!