.bloggers are MORONS?

yes, they definitely are. first for coming up with a domain like that. don't believe me?
check out http://www.bloggersaremorons.com/ . weird right?

well, i'm not actually posting this to talk about moronic bloggers but more about their virtue. first of all, blogathon 2005 is a charity blogging experience targeted to help charity foundations. a charity project held for bloggers to help charity foundations.

the bloggersaremoron are joining this project to help out :
Hospice-At-Home Programme (Penang branch)
Under the National Cancer Society (Malaysia)

Now, if any of you have any money to spare in this day of economic uncertainty, i pledge, heck i even beg you all to donate. a few bucks won't bring you far but a few bucks will certainly change a life.

now, i am not speaking from a third party's perspective. i am indeed one of the few plaqued by cancer. no, i do not have cancer but a member of my family did. and i am asking you all to help this foundation because they really do make a difference. you cannot even begin to comprehend or understand the agony and pain that a cancer patient or their immediate families has to go through when encountering cancer. cancer is a slow killing disease that looks like it has a cure. well, there are quite a few stories depicting victorious battles against cancer. right? you would all think that this is a good sign but it actually has its pros and cons.

in the year 2002, my father was diagnosed with "last stage cancer". the doctor refused to give him hope thus he said, spend the rest of your days as comfortable as you want. devastated, my father came back without even telling us the news. we learnt about it from mom later on. however, the sudden change of mood was obvious. as a family, we never thought this would happen to us. these are the kind of things that you would think... it happened to them or someone else.. but when it reaches you.. you might be flabbergasted before the reality really sinks in.

thus in the year 2002 until 2003, we were all still adamant to fight this disease. we've heard of many stories depicting victorious battles but little did we realize that those are only a tip of the iceberg. many deaths were hidden from us too. thus our family went searching high and low, spent thousands, hundreds of thousands maybe trying every method possible. a chance will never be passed over. heck, it's life and death we're talking about.

my dad who never liked the bitter taste that any food brings was pushed to his limits . the bitter taste of medicine that he never liked brought me to tears. i would cry at night under my pillow thinking the fate that god has bestowed upon him. it was never a good sight especially if you look upon the father that you idolize, that you admire, that has powers beyond what you'd possibly imagine being brought to tears when talking to you. when telling you that he loves you, when talking about life stories, when giving you advice. those are the pain that you could never get rid of no matter how long time passes by. when he cries, i would cry with him.. but i try to show a tough face and try my best not to show him that i am indeed really really sad for him. i don't want him to leave us but if he must, let him leave with a peace of mind.

as time passes by, his condition became worse and he became dependent. dependent on us to walk, dependent on us to even wash his ass. he wanted simple things, not money, not luxurious cars, just human touch. yes, the things that we forget and disregard are the things that we'll want most when we are leaving this world. he didn't even care about dignity anymore. he just wanted to live his life and experience the things that he couldn't yet.

there was one wish he wanted, and that is where my brother came in. i mean, by this time, all of our relatives and friends already know about his condition and they come to visit him almost everyday. i mean, everyday could be the last face to face meeting.

anyway, back to the wish, he wanted to see one of his son married before leaving this world. and my brother and his gf was to be married. they agreed after asking permission from the girl's mother. the girl's father had already passed away too. then they had a mock wedding in front of our house. the first one was pathetic. just some cakes and kuihs for relatives. it was not one people would proudly call a wedding. my dad cried and complained to the organiser. he said, how can my son lift his face to meet people after this. realizing his mistake, my cousin (the one who organized everything) put up another emergency real wedding with tables and 8 course meals. everyone was happy. at least i know my dad was at that time. he was... positive. before the wedding, he would tell everyone,
if you don't come to my funeral it's ok! but make sure you come to this wedding. at least we can talk and i can see you. when i die, i wouldn't know whether i can see you.
that sentence stuck in my head until now. everytime i talk to him, i wonder whether he could see me.

after that, my father recovered a bit. we thought things would get better and it wouldn't be so bad after all. maybe his disease would consume him slower.. but i know the slower it is the more painful.

and then the semester opens. i had to go back to utm. my dad insisted on following me back to johor to see my house. i moved out during the second year. we had to move my dad from a wheelchair to the car and lift him into the car for the 16 hours ride (to and fro). i followed him back and forth cause i know i can take a bus back to jb after that. i know it's a waste of money but i didn' want to leave my dad and mom alone in that long journey back.

after everything was settled and dad was still fairly ok...

ok as in... sleeping in a makeshift hospital bed in our house cause he needed drips and injections everyday. albumin injections and all. the meds were expensive but how can it compare with a life that we love so dearly...

i went back to utm for a week. had my subjects registered and all. i called back everyday to confirm the situation and tried to talk with dad. but his voice seems distant and softer everyday. i feel as though i'm losing him from a far away place.

then one day, i got a call from mom to come back asap. dad was not going to make it.
i took a morning bus back straight away. and reached my house at roughly 2am. dad was still alive but he was barely breathing. the sight of him made me cried. he was black and blue (bruised) all over. he was as skinny as a skeleton. the tubes connected to him made it even harder to look at. i was scared of losing him.

the 9-10 hurs travel made me tired and since it was quite late i decided to talk to my dad the next morning. i told my dad goodnight and continued to find a spot on the floor beside his bed. we were all there, me, mom, bro and sis. sleeping beside our dad, hoping he would miraculously come up and say... i'm ok people. but that ain't happening. this ain't no fairy tale movie. this is real life.

awoken by the sound of pitter pattering at 5, i realized that my dad has left us. forever. crying will not get him back, so as everyone cried, i kept silent. pushing back my tears, putting up a brave resilient front. heck, i think i looked like a stone without feelings. but deep inside my heart and every night i would weep under the pillows. even now....

many people said that my dad waited for me to come back before leaving but i never took that opportunity to say I love him. I never said GOODBYE. I never said a lot of things and there's nothing i can do about it.. but i think you can.

donate and make a difference...

if you want, participate through bloggersaremorons.

*i dedicate this post to my dad, s*yi's dad and my uncle who all passed due to cancer.*

Hospice-At-Home Programme (Penang branch)
Under the National Cancer Society (Malaysia)
URL : http://www.creatgsee.com/hospice
Tel : +604-261 4140
Fax: + 604-261 8691
Address :
A2.27, Komtar,
Jalan Penang,
10000 Penang,
Via checks:
Payable to : National Cancer Society of Malaysia, Penang Branch
At the back of the check, please write the following : HHP
It stands for the ‘Hospice-at-home programme
Via bank-in:
Southern Bank : 1606006358

made to the

National Cancer Society of Malaysia, Penang Branch

This account is specifically for the Hospice-At-Home programme.

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July 28, 2005


Peter said…
Very poignant. Brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for the plug. God bless you.
Din said…
beautiful post written by a son who loves his father. Hang in there man.
Jimmy Ang said…
peter : thanks. it was my pleasure to plug it. it struck a chord in my heart.

dustyhawk : they are definitely not morons... they are souls with a big space for more love.

fahruddin : every son loves their father. whether they realize it or not.
lainieyeoh said…
Well..this is coming a bit late, but my condolences.
Jimmy Ang said…
lainie.. ever heard of.. never too late for sorry...

Wingz said…
*sniff sniff* got tisu anot ?
Anonymous said…
i am truly amazed by the strength & courage of your dad because i believe he never did give up on life. your story reduced me to tears. my deepest condolences, jimmy.
Jimmy Ang said…
wingz... you realy no money to buy tissue ar? get good karma tissue from those vendors lar. hehe

thanks lainey.. i must be specific cause there are 2 versions.. thanks laineylashes..

my dad never gave up but i think at one point he did... "we" were the ones who never gave up. we all wanted him, we all wanted to stop time and keep him but he was the one who asked us to let him go..

and i think that takes even more courage.

i think he never gave up on us..
but he wanted us to be happy.
he wanted to let things go and let us embrace life all over again...
Anonymous said…
i nearly cried at 'many people said that....' part. my deepest condolences. i believe ur dad will be very proud to have you as his son.
Anonymous said…
somehow you make me feel that you and your dad are both alike in character. he has a strong will of living and you in turn face this bravely. wells theres always life and death in this world. its really good that you can be so optimistic. somehow it also reminds me of both my grandpas who died of cancer. i know how pain it is to see them going through all the pain and being tortured by the illness. dun get too upset about not taking the opportunity to tell him you love him. instead i think that actions speaks louder than words. i believe that whatever you did for him during his last days has proven how much you love him.
indeed your words have touched me and lastly, my condolences..
Jimmy Ang said…
thanks tiger, sj.. it really means something for me.


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